2. 4. 6. 8. Paris we must [NOT...said as Borat] liberate.

Come June 5th the bitch is going to jail! I mean the day we have all hoped for since Paris bursted out on the scene has finally arrived.

There are free Pairs websites and there was even a free Paris rally in SoHo, but only 3 people showed up! No. Seriously. 3 PEOPLE! Paris must really be going through a low in life. She's going to a jail where she'll only get one hour a day out of her shared cell. You really have to feel bad for the girl, she's going to be made someone's lady on the first day simply because they'd have sex with her (and beat her up) for the same reason anyone else would.... just to say they would... oh, misery.

click here to see the rally video:
http://www.tmz.com/tmz_main_video?titleid=877893852

However, my favorite part of this whole story is a clip of Arnold Schwartzenananan being asked if he was going to work hard to help Miss P. His response? He simply laughed and said "I have more important things to do". AMAZING! I mean I didn't think anything involving Arnold would ever be as hilarious as "who is your daddy and what does he do".

So in short, thank you, Paris. You have restored my faith in Arnold's ability to still be funny.


On a loverly little note, there is a made for TV movie about my lovely Anna Nicole. Somehow David Cross is in it. Who would have thought that David Cross would ever play a serious role, nonetheless the Anna Nicole made for TV Biopic. Glorious.

You're once, twice, three times a lady....

Despite what all of you haters may say or think, yesterday a dream came true. I was in the same space as the gorgeous Lindsay Lohan. It. Was. Amazing.

Not only is she beautiful, incredibly bruised up (track marks... or maybe just from falling while in a drunken stupor) and far skinnier than she looks in magazines, but, well... that's all I really have to say. Basically, I want to be her.

Anyway, much to my surprise the ultimate stage-mom, who is only about 1 small step away from Mama Rose (Gypsy Rose Lee's mother whose constant disdain and neglect for Gypsy drove her to a life of burlesque just to feel the love and admiration from others that she should have learned from her wretched mother), Dina Lohan was absent. How sad. I would have loved to see the family dynamic. However little Ali Lohan was present, and uneventful.

I mean, absolutely nothing eventful happened at all besides her walking by me in all of her coked-out oblivion. But it was a magical moment... the pap (paparazzi) were there chasing her down the street on their little bicycles and everything. My life is made and I am a happy girl that no longer wants to ever eat again just to be as skinny as Lindsay (however, this will never happen).

I see London. I see France. I see Paris' stupid hoochie ass in prison.

Yea seriously, that bitch needs to go. Ok, so you drove slightly under the influence, which I guess isn't that terrible (but mom, I swear I never have....!) and you drove with a suspended license, and I suppose it's not murder or anything. However, if your defense is that you didn't KNOW it's wrong, then your cunty self deserves to be behind bars. There are two explanations to my harsh, yet accurate "cunty self" comment. Here's the logic: Let's just assume that Paris is lying (because, well no one can possibly be that retarded). Don't lie about this! Period. End of story. You should suffer the same consequences as everyone else in this world. Just because you can wipe the shit off of your ass with $100 bills, doesn't mean you should get away with breaking the law.

But what's the other option, you ask? Well, maybe Paris really is THAT stupid. Well... then she deserves to go to jail for being such a stupid idiot. Seriously, a lack of deductive reasoning and common sense to the effect of possibly killing an innocent person is enough for me to say, "hmmm.... suspending her license didn't teach her any better. Maybe sometime in a high end penitentiary with private potties and separate cells so you don't have to be a rug muncher just to stay alive SHOULD teach her to use her brain a tad."

And just to add to my "stupid or not-stupid-just-a-lying-bitch" theory, apparently (and if I was a good faux journalist I would do the proper research, but if I do and the alleged story is wrong, I risk having less reason to dislike Paris for things she has done that have in no way at all affected me personally) she put a link on her myspace page asking her legions of blonde, non-panty wearing, white girl dancing, bimbo friends to sign a petition some 'friend' (if by friend we mean a homo who would do anything to be recognized by Paris Hilton) started, pleading that she not be sent to jail.

However, in Miss P.'s defense, I will once again bring to light that if O.J. Simpson can get away with murder, anyone should be able to get away with anything.

Whatevs. No one really likes Paris anyway. We've all been looking for a way to get Paris out of our lives anyway. And really, not reading Perez or US Weekly, just to avoid her is just far too much work.


p.s. is it just me or is my writing awfully angry today? dammmmn, girl.

The more I come to understand the touch of my hand...

Dear God,

Based on the below youtube video, I can tell that you have read my letters and answered my prayers. THANK YOU! Britney is back and she doesn't suck. She's used all of her crazy juice and focused it on trying to be awesome again!!! I'm so excited, I simply can not contain myself.

Ok, maybe she was wearing a bad wig (which she magically was able to keep on, or at least I am assuming. I mean, I haven't heard otherwise) and a pretty terrible ensemble, but I don't care. Brit is back in all of her lip-synching, chair dancing, orgasm simulating, air humping glory. She performed some her best songs, including my personal fav. "I'm a Slave for You". For this, God, I thank you.

My only regret was that it was in L.A. and I wasn't there for it. But I guarantee, if you use your almighty powers of holy persuasion and bring her little come-back shenanigan to good ol' Manhattan (hell-oops, I mean shit-Shit, I'd even travel to a borough to see this) I will be there no matter the cost, time or prior commitments.

You have just restored one little girls faith in religion, God and life with one act. I knew I wore my "Everybody Loves a Jewish Girl" shirt today for some reason.

Forever yours, and I am, indeed, a slave for you,
miss a-trizzle <3

TEAM ALEC

Alec. Oh, Alec.

I have had many people approach me lately asking "A-train, what do you think about this whole Alec Baldwin shenanigan?" Ok, maybe not many people, or really not any people, but this is my blog so I'm going to pretend cause it makes me feel better. So what do I say in response to the throngs of people that ask me this? I proudly declare that I'm TEAM ALEC!

I mean, let's be honest people, did Alec really mean what he said? Probably not. Yes, he said some mean things. Yes, he could have handled the entire situation differently. But I think all of us can agree that we have all said some hurtful things we didn't mean out of sheer desperation and an overload of emotions. I'm a big time offender of this, just ask my ex-boyfriends. Have I meant what I said at those moments? No. I was just upset.

This poor guy has to feel terrible about his personal life/ ex-wife/ child custody. Let's just all leave him alone. He's starting to go crazy already. He went on the View and started talking about stroking his daughters hair to wake her up and how she giggles, and how he doesn't care if he ever acts again because he wants to devote his life to parental alienation activism or something, and la di frikin' dah (just watch the clip below). Whatevs. The point is that I don't think I can emotionally handle another awesome celebrity going crazy and, ohh, I don't know, shaving his head or something. So please, people, for my sake just LEAVE ALEC ALONE!



Side-note: anyone to go into business making TEAM ALEC t-shirts with me???? Let's make some mulah people.