2. 4. 6. 8. Paris we must [NOT...said as Borat] liberate.

Come June 5th the bitch is going to jail! I mean the day we have all hoped for since Paris bursted out on the scene has finally arrived.

There are free Pairs websites and there was even a free Paris rally in SoHo, but only 3 people showed up! No. Seriously. 3 PEOPLE! Paris must really be going through a low in life. She's going to a jail where she'll only get one hour a day out of her shared cell. You really have to feel bad for the girl, she's going to be made someone's lady on the first day simply because they'd have sex with her (and beat her up) for the same reason anyone else would.... just to say they would... oh, misery.

click here to see the rally video:
http://www.tmz.com/tmz_main_video?titleid=877893852

However, my favorite part of this whole story is a clip of Arnold Schwartzenananan being asked if he was going to work hard to help Miss P. His response? He simply laughed and said "I have more important things to do". AMAZING! I mean I didn't think anything involving Arnold would ever be as hilarious as "who is your daddy and what does he do".

So in short, thank you, Paris. You have restored my faith in Arnold's ability to still be funny.


On a loverly little note, there is a made for TV movie about my lovely Anna Nicole. Somehow David Cross is in it. Who would have thought that David Cross would ever play a serious role, nonetheless the Anna Nicole made for TV Biopic. Glorious.

You're once, twice, three times a lady....

Despite what all of you haters may say or think, yesterday a dream came true. I was in the same space as the gorgeous Lindsay Lohan. It. Was. Amazing.

Not only is she beautiful, incredibly bruised up (track marks... or maybe just from falling while in a drunken stupor) and far skinnier than she looks in magazines, but, well... that's all I really have to say. Basically, I want to be her.

Anyway, much to my surprise the ultimate stage-mom, who is only about 1 small step away from Mama Rose (Gypsy Rose Lee's mother whose constant disdain and neglect for Gypsy drove her to a life of burlesque just to feel the love and admiration from others that she should have learned from her wretched mother), Dina Lohan was absent. How sad. I would have loved to see the family dynamic. However little Ali Lohan was present, and uneventful.

I mean, absolutely nothing eventful happened at all besides her walking by me in all of her coked-out oblivion. But it was a magical moment... the pap (paparazzi) were there chasing her down the street on their little bicycles and everything. My life is made and I am a happy girl that no longer wants to ever eat again just to be as skinny as Lindsay (however, this will never happen).

I see London. I see France. I see Paris' stupid hoochie ass in prison.

Yea seriously, that bitch needs to go. Ok, so you drove slightly under the influence, which I guess isn't that terrible (but mom, I swear I never have....!) and you drove with a suspended license, and I suppose it's not murder or anything. However, if your defense is that you didn't KNOW it's wrong, then your cunty self deserves to be behind bars. There are two explanations to my harsh, yet accurate "cunty self" comment. Here's the logic: Let's just assume that Paris is lying (because, well no one can possibly be that retarded). Don't lie about this! Period. End of story. You should suffer the same consequences as everyone else in this world. Just because you can wipe the shit off of your ass with $100 bills, doesn't mean you should get away with breaking the law.

But what's the other option, you ask? Well, maybe Paris really is THAT stupid. Well... then she deserves to go to jail for being such a stupid idiot. Seriously, a lack of deductive reasoning and common sense to the effect of possibly killing an innocent person is enough for me to say, "hmmm.... suspending her license didn't teach her any better. Maybe sometime in a high end penitentiary with private potties and separate cells so you don't have to be a rug muncher just to stay alive SHOULD teach her to use her brain a tad."

And just to add to my "stupid or not-stupid-just-a-lying-bitch" theory, apparently (and if I was a good faux journalist I would do the proper research, but if I do and the alleged story is wrong, I risk having less reason to dislike Paris for things she has done that have in no way at all affected me personally) she put a link on her myspace page asking her legions of blonde, non-panty wearing, white girl dancing, bimbo friends to sign a petition some 'friend' (if by friend we mean a homo who would do anything to be recognized by Paris Hilton) started, pleading that she not be sent to jail.

However, in Miss P.'s defense, I will once again bring to light that if O.J. Simpson can get away with murder, anyone should be able to get away with anything.

Whatevs. No one really likes Paris anyway. We've all been looking for a way to get Paris out of our lives anyway. And really, not reading Perez or US Weekly, just to avoid her is just far too much work.


p.s. is it just me or is my writing awfully angry today? dammmmn, girl.

The more I come to understand the touch of my hand...

Dear God,

Based on the below youtube video, I can tell that you have read my letters and answered my prayers. THANK YOU! Britney is back and she doesn't suck. She's used all of her crazy juice and focused it on trying to be awesome again!!! I'm so excited, I simply can not contain myself.

Ok, maybe she was wearing a bad wig (which she magically was able to keep on, or at least I am assuming. I mean, I haven't heard otherwise) and a pretty terrible ensemble, but I don't care. Brit is back in all of her lip-synching, chair dancing, orgasm simulating, air humping glory. She performed some her best songs, including my personal fav. "I'm a Slave for You". For this, God, I thank you.

My only regret was that it was in L.A. and I wasn't there for it. But I guarantee, if you use your almighty powers of holy persuasion and bring her little come-back shenanigan to good ol' Manhattan (hell-oops, I mean shit-Shit, I'd even travel to a borough to see this) I will be there no matter the cost, time or prior commitments.

You have just restored one little girls faith in religion, God and life with one act. I knew I wore my "Everybody Loves a Jewish Girl" shirt today for some reason.

Forever yours, and I am, indeed, a slave for you,
miss a-trizzle <3

TEAM ALEC

Alec. Oh, Alec.

I have had many people approach me lately asking "A-train, what do you think about this whole Alec Baldwin shenanigan?" Ok, maybe not many people, or really not any people, but this is my blog so I'm going to pretend cause it makes me feel better. So what do I say in response to the throngs of people that ask me this? I proudly declare that I'm TEAM ALEC!

I mean, let's be honest people, did Alec really mean what he said? Probably not. Yes, he said some mean things. Yes, he could have handled the entire situation differently. But I think all of us can agree that we have all said some hurtful things we didn't mean out of sheer desperation and an overload of emotions. I'm a big time offender of this, just ask my ex-boyfriends. Have I meant what I said at those moments? No. I was just upset.

This poor guy has to feel terrible about his personal life/ ex-wife/ child custody. Let's just all leave him alone. He's starting to go crazy already. He went on the View and started talking about stroking his daughters hair to wake her up and how she giggles, and how he doesn't care if he ever acts again because he wants to devote his life to parental alienation activism or something, and la di frikin' dah (just watch the clip below). Whatevs. The point is that I don't think I can emotionally handle another awesome celebrity going crazy and, ohh, I don't know, shaving his head or something. So please, people, for my sake just LEAVE ALEC ALONE!



Side-note: anyone to go into business making TEAM ALEC t-shirts with me???? Let's make some mulah people.

Paris Hilton doesn't have a license and I could care less.

"Updation Nation"
Just a little update. Check out the fam of hotties. Love them. Every time I see one of these pictures I cross my fingers and hope that my future family looks just like this. Hmmm.... a girl can dream.


(perezhilton.com pics!)

"The Power of Christ Compels You"
Dear God,
It's me again... I'm sorry to keep on your ass about this (I know I can get pushy) but I don't think you read my letter last week. Listen, Brit-brit has gotten worse! I read a report the other day saying that she's in rehab writing 666 on her bald (and unfortunately not so shapely- I wonder if the lumps distorted the writing, hmm...)head. Then she started screaming something about being the anti-christ. Now, I know you really aren't supposed to be helping those that declare that they're evil and work against your forces of good and all, but please, I'm telling you, there's no way she could possibly be THAT crazy! I mean maybe she just needs a hug, or a cadbury cream egg (and what good timing for her to get one, huh? You don't even need to pull any strings), or, like... a singing telegram from a midget (I'm sorry, I suppose I mean little person. Wouldn't want to offend anyone) in a floppy eared, plushy, puppy costume. I don't know, I'm desperate! Britney's my girl! We've had so many good times together, like in 8th grade when she was first on the cover of Rolling Stone in a bra with Tinkie-Winkie. Adrian brought in that magazine (I had a killer crush on him! I mean, I know you remember- you were there! You're my homeboy, God- always got my back) and I hated her. Fast forward like 5 or 6 years when Toxic came out, and there was no denying her, with her perfect blonde locks and her cute pink cotton panties peeking through that little stewardess skirt... she was so cute! I even went out and bought her greatest hits CD! If I can get over my beef, you can too! It's just a little suicidal, anti-christal action, nothing for you to hold against her! I mean really, OJ killed someone and he wasn't even found guilty, surely you can work your magic on Britney. Do it for me. I'm not faring too well knowing that poor Brit is stuck in some high end rehabilitation center apparently going loco in the coco and trying to hang herself from the lighting fixture with a sheet (hopefully they're silk sheets. We wouldn't want any cotton, 200 thread count touching the bare and delicate neck skin of the princess.)

So please, stop whatever it is that you're doing up there and take some time to save Britney. I'd do it, but they don't let "normies" around the celebrities.

Answer my prayers & love always, your homie,
Miss A-train

"I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said Lola"
I realize that what I am about to say may prompt someone to call me a hater (it's been a slow celebrity gossip week), however, being the fearless blogger that I am trying to become, I'm going to go for it; Kirsten Dunst is gross. This isn't news, she hasn't done anything gossip worthy, but she's gross. She's a skinny girl with little droopy boobs and that homeless-chic derelicte thing going on. However, for some reason men fucking love her! Why, guys? What is so adorable about Kirsten Dunst? She plays the same role in every movie (go back to the whole "guys dig crazy chicks" thing) and there's almost always a scene in the movie where she's braless and bouncing. I mean, listen fellas, I love "Bring It On" too, but come on! She used to date the sexy of all sexy, my beloved Jakey, and I'm just dumbfounded by it. Check out the pic, and shed some light on me peeps.


(perezhilton.com pics!)

"You're a bad-hearted boy-trap, babydoll"
Jeff Goldblum may be a devastating 33 years older than me, but that has never stopped my love affair with him (it all started with Jurassic Park). Although he is from Shittsburgh, PA, he has a new show on NBC, that although I may never watch looks slightly interesting, and this recent resurgence to the public eye makes him this weeks Tres Chic A-train Man of the Moment. I don't know if it's the neurotic Woody Allen tendencies or the tall dark and handsome thing he has going on, but he's sexy. So congrats Jeff, cause I know being the man of the moment on this little blog has been your goal in life, and fret not hotness your life is now complete.

I always listen to 'NSYNC's Tearin' Up My Heart. It reminds me to wear a bra.

I want to apologize in advanced because I'm not going to mention the Oscars in this blog posting. I'd love to say that my reasoning is something like I'm against promoting the commercialization of the film industry because it takes away from the art and craft in its purest form. Yea, right. I fucking love the Oscars! I love all the beautiful celebrities, the mishaps, Ellen rocks (except I'm not really feeling the Mr. Hooper, a la Threes Company, neck scarf thing she's been doing as of late on her show), but most of all, I love playing fashion police!!!! Seriously, I love it. But because I didn't get to see it I'll keep my judgments short and sweet; Meryl Streep and Ann Hathaway looked underdressed and heinous, and J.Lo was absolutely gorgeous.

Ok. So much for not talking about it. Anyway, on to the good stuff.

"But Angie, Angie, ain't it good to be alive?"
Who are the bad-ass mother fuckers who skipped out on the Oscar's to stroll around their new home town of New Orleans? My favorite American Family, the Jolie-Pitt's. I'm not going to lie, I love them for one main reason- they are the best looking family in existence EVER! Brad Pitt really never did it for me, but he is undeniably a very good looking man. So, take him and the GODdess that is Ms. Jolie, seriously she is so amazingly god damn gorgeous, put them together in a room till they're pressing each others mommy-daddy buttons and the baby making magic begins, aka the messiah. Add Zahara (the most beautiful child in existence) and Maddox, with his adorable, and ridic. expensive, vintage rock tees (did baby sized Bob Dylan t-shirts exist when Bob Dylan was still a huge rocker?) and you have God's chosen people, forget the Jews (it's ok. I'm a part of the tribe).

Do you realize what a huge statement this is? Two of the biggest and currently most talented actors skipped out on the fucking OSCARS to hang out in New Orleans with their babies! WHAT? That's crazy! That's like going all 19th century and slapping someone across the face with your glove to "challenge them to a duel". Leave it to Angie to be one scandalous, toasty-ass bitch.



(perezhilton.com photos!)

On a side note: I was watching the Angelina Jolie E! True Hollywood Story and heard this actual quote describing her high school days-
"She wasn't a cheerleader. She liked knives"

BAD-ASS.

"You drive me crazy- The Britney Spears Reality Edition"
Dear God,
I'm writing to you on behalf of Britney Spears. I fear that Miss Britney has gone crazy. I'm not sure why or how, but my grandma blames "that sonofombitch" (actual pronunciation) Kevin Federline. But God, I don't think my grandma is right. I think she was crazy before him and that's why she married him and decided to bring not one, but TWO innocent little babies into this world. I mean no one in their right mind would think they're capable of taking care of babies when they can't even put on their make up appropriately. God, Britney just shaved her head, got a new tatoo and went in and out of rehab 3 1/2 times. What ever will she do? I hope you're up there keeping a close watch on her, I mean I know there's global warming and AIDS going on, but I really think Britney deserves your attention. After all, Britney provided us a service; she entertained us. Without Britney we wouldn't know the wonders of very strategically placed body jewels, or that there is a second Jason Alexander out in this huge world, or the wonders of post-baby vaginas sans panties, or how easy it is to be a bad mommy when you almost drop your baby in front of the PAP, or how much people really don't care about Christina Aguilera when you would much rather just see Britney and Madge make out. News flash God, the world is going to end at some point anyway, and soon enough we're all just going to have so much sex with each other that we'll all have STD's, so really? What makes more sense saving the whole wide world, or Miss Britney Lynn Spears and thus saving a little piece of all of us?

I ask you to consider this God.

All my undying, eternal love. You're loyal servant,
Miss A-train


"I wish I could quit you"
Being EL bollo loco that I am, I think it's only appropriate that I instate the official boy of the moment in this blog. So, without further ado, I present the first Tres Chic Atrain Man, THE Jake Gyllenhaal. No worries, Jakey, you're no passing fad. You have held a place in my heart since Bubble Boy, but with all the publicity you've been doing, and my discovery of this picture (below) my heart just began fluttering all over again. What's not to love? He's super foxxxy, he's debonair and charming, he seems like a sincerely nice guy (unfortunately, I have no first hand experience), he's close with his family, he's ridiculously well dressed and has the most amazing man ass I have ever seen (thank you Jarhead). So, here's to you my darling Jake. Welcome to the club.


(perezhilton.com photo!)

"Big Bright Green Pleasure Machine"
Working on a TV show where they hand out free crap all the time has it's perks when every once in a while (a very rare while) you score some free loot yourself. I recently got my hands on a Badge Factory, for those of you who are not as hip and with it as I am (ehhh...) it's a really oddly shaped pin maker (big, bright green and has some crazy arm and crank thingies). This thing allows you all kinds of artistic freedom. Now, I generally write about huge fads all over the tabloids and in the public eye, but this is a modest proposal of my own; I think pins need to make a come back. I'm not talking broaches Upper East Side style, or sticking a bunch of pins onto suspenders Friday's style (in here it's always Friday) or putting some teenage angst filled "I hate everyone" pins, very high school style, but rather very cute and classy, personalized pins. I originally made a Save Britney pin (scary Britney face and ransom note letters), but it came out looking more like Save Itney, so I tried pretty patterns instead... I'm channeling Martha here, folks.


(this picture looks really crappy... sorry!)

And furthermore, you would be surprised how good it feels to be the slightest bit creative when you're having a case of the Monday's or the Mean Reds. Therefore, when all you crazy cats have had a pretty shiteous day you should go out into that big bad world, get yourself a badge factory and make some pretty pattern pins that just make you feel the slightest happier and prettier. Ya dig?

hoping you're having a better week than me.

I'm a little bit crazy, a little bit naughty, and not dead enough.

"Look, I'm sorry if I came off a little nutso, I'm not really."
Maybe some of you live a life that just does not allow for you to watch MTV or VH1 between the hours of 4- 7 a.m. when they ACTUALLY play music videos, but if you don't you are missing a jewel of a video. Justin Timberlake's (or J.Tim as he will forever be referred to in this blog) new single "What Comes Around Goes Around" is a tragically awful 9 minute long movie starring himself and his new rumored gf (cool kids abbrev. folks), Scarlett Johansen. Now, please don't get me wrong, I am quite the J.Tim fan, however while watching this video all I wanted was for it to be over, but like most car accidents (ironically, this is how the video actually ends), I couldn't look away. Basically, they meet one night, he whispers dirty, sweet nothings into her ear, they go do the horizontal hokey-pokey, two weeks (months?) later he's tragically in love and telling Shawn Hatosy ("Outside Providence" and one of the alpha-dick high school kids in "In and Out") that he wants to marry her. Other crap happens, but it's not my point so if you really want to see it I suggest you watch it (I have generously provided it below). My point is, kids, that there is a point in the video when Scarlett jumps into the pool and "drowns", to which J.Tim oh-so-heroicly saves her only to find that she was faking it, to which he calls her crazy. Somebody literally made the conscious decision to put this in the video, alluding to that lovely hollywood stereotype that guys dig crazy chicks.

Rest assure fellow crazies, this is simply a rumor. Firstly, if we're gonna run with this whole crazy thing let's lay the ground rules. According to the video and movies like "Garden State", "Eternal Sunshine" or "Crazy Beautiful", crazy chicks are just different than the poor fools who fall for them. They probably listen to "the band that will change your life", dye their hair a different color out of boredom or don't ever wear bras and jump up and down on a bed (any coincidence that 2 of these movies have Kirsten Dunst?). They also probably like to dance really goofily, dress all funky, are "sex crazed" and have a tendency to have a really intimate moment, preferably post-coital or in a bed somehow, where they bare the childhood memory that shaped their craziness. One thing is for sure though, they will always have some moment when some problem that the lucky fella can in some vague way relate to, becomes so incredibly overwhelming they have some emotional breakdown where their true craziness/vulnerabilities come on out to this dude, usually involving crying, screaming and probably violence of some sort, allowing him his glorified moment to feel like el jeffe when she finally calms down.

So, do chicks like this exist? Yes. Do men find them incredibly attractive and fall madly in love with them? Well, as a crazy (fortunately not to the fullest extent) I'm sad to say no. But next week when Jake Gyllenhaal is knocking down my door because he simply can't live his life without the crazy chicky in red suede boots and too much black eye liner that he met at the Sticky Fingers Band concert last week, I'll let y'all know.




"T-shirt and my panties on."
I am a tried and true romantic, and despite my cynical ways, truly LOVE the V-day. Despite everyone shoving "it's a holiday created by greeting card companies" down my throat, I simply can't help but value a holiday where people come together to celebrate love. Despite being single for most of the Valentine's Days in my life, I take time out of my busy schedule to find the perfect card and/or trinket for all those loved and special people in my life. Being an intern at a TV show I'm constantly around a TV set to the on position. And what I can't help but notice this Valentine's is that every effing morning show has had some kind of lingerie specialist on, talking about what ensemble I can concoct for the lucky gentleman in my life. This very morning on the Today Show they had lingerie for plus sized women and a couple of days ago on Martha they had a La Perla specialist show off their goodies. All over the morning air waves there are women skinny and heavy, short and tall, old and young prancing around in lacy things.

Now, while I love Valentine's Day, and the idea of a sexy, romantic rendevouz with some man I'm madly in love with and can't take my hands off of sounds awesome, what in the hell is the point of lingerie?? Why do companies like Agent Provocateur make hundreds of dollars on lacy garters and mechanical looking stomach things with all these snaps and buttons and zippers? The stuff is going to come off anyway! And there's not very much material! I just don't get it. Bras and panties? That's one thing people, they are already on under the clothing you're wearing to your romantic, expensive dinner that you made reservations for two months ago, but there's no need to disrupt the flow in order to change outfits; You're not Christina Aguilera and this is not the Billboard Music Awards. Maybe it's cause I'm not married, and I don't need to spice up 10 years of monotony, but I think lingerie is pointless. And furthermore, until a man decides to pop out of the bathroom in a $100 elephant banana-hammock (let's play a game of "what goes in the trunk") made of silk chinese baby hair just to get me all hot and bothered, I'm not putting on any crazy high wasted thing with boning and a stomach-sucking-in mechanism.



"Do you want my body? Do you want my Viper?"
I couldn't possibly talk about trends and pop-culture of the past week without mentioning the death of Anna Nicole Smith. But who was Anna Nicole? We all know about the old (now dead) man husband, the Trimspa, the baby-daddy disputes, the crazy antics, etc. But what was really going on there? I really have no answer for you. All I know was that I was, nay, still am an Anna fan. I have nothing witty or funny to say because I actually kind of adored her; I've seen every episode of the Anna Nicole Show, and have been ready to buy the seasons on dvd since their release (if only I wasn't cheap about buying myself DVD's), and I've followed all of the stories. She entertained us and she was someone I wanted to save, just like I think everyone else did, and for that reason I think Anna was awesome.

Enjoy Defamer's homage to Anna's most entertaining moments.
http://defamer.com/hollywood/anna-nicole-smith/defamer-presents-8-great-anna-nicole-youtube-moments-235419.php

Au revoir and enjoy whatever this lovely week will have to offer us!

Howdy Doody

I don't like school, and there are few things I hate more than reading a book I'm forced to read for some heinous class where people spout off simply to sound smart and hear their own voices. I am not an intellectual; I don't sit in hipster filled New York cafes sipping on Chai Lattes with my arty friends talking about existentialism or ethnic wars in Africa. However, I do know pop culture and I'd rather read US Weekly and put Britney Spears and OK GO on blast and dance around my apartment. I'd go as far as to say I'm a "pop culture connoisseur," and if I could have a monetarily successful job as one, I sure as hell would. For a lot of people being pop culture savvy is a waste of time and energy; why focus on who Angelina is screwing or what other movie that hot guy from "Mean Girls" is in when there is an AIDS crisis and Darfur? Why, my friends? Because it's what I like. It's entertaining to me and honestly, that's all that matters.

This all being said, Tres Chic A-train is going to chronicle the top trends in pop culture and the world around us. If this is something that interests you as much as it interests me, than check in every so often, laugh a little (hopefully) and feel free to leave a comment.

Chuck Klosterman, an author and pop culture junkie himself (if pop culture was a college, his major would be Rock 'n Roll) said this about his exploits in the literary world, "The essays are different because ultimately it's things I'm interested in, and I'm really just writing about myself and using those subjects as a prism." So, maybe that's what I'm doing here. "Tres Chic A-train" is who I am; I'm a girl who enjoys the finer things in life (tres chic), but burps, walks into walls and always enjoys a guilty pleasure such as a fart joke or a greasy grilled cheese sandwich (a-train). I live in a small apartment with mice and cracks in the walls and I sleep in the living room. However, I strut around the streets of Manhattan (or cab it even if I only have $5 left in my pocket because it's simply too cold and my feet hurt from my really cute heels) with a real Speedy, not the Chinatown knock-off, looking to experience every fabulous thing that life has to offer. So, maybe I'm writing about myself, or the world I fantasize about being actively involved in. Either way, I think it rocks. I hope you do too.

ENJOY!